Scared, insecure……What….the…..FAIL……

Okay so I don’t have anything on the agenda tomorrow and while getting myself ready for bed tonight I told myself “Call tomorrow and get yourself enrolled for the Spring semester classes”. I tell myself this every week and yet I never do it, I also made it part of my New Year resolution……how many of us really stick to those pesky, impossible promises? Then I also read my Chinese New Year horoscope that also said I should take my education serious this year……it also mentioned I should check my health(Yikes!). So I know I wrote before how the last time I was looking to sign up for school that the person who was supposed to be helping me said some really hurtful words and even my therapist told me I shouldn’t let that stop me(I know, I didn’t need her to tell me that but I appreciated that she did). I as always have put that phone call off because the reality of it is, school kind of intimidates me… you go to school to get educated right? and it takes a lot of work but what happens when you can’t keep up? So you feel insecure and scared because you know you have to answer to the professor when your work starts to lag and projects go missing. I always doubted myself to begin with(I’ve talked about this also in an earlier write). I never feel smart and especially when I’m speaking to someone I’m always afraid I’m going to mispronounce a word or use a word or a phrase in the wrong context and I’m going to sound like a total idiot. I was never an A+ student in school, I barely made it out. And instead of going to college, well I joined the military instead……work hard and party even harder. And even when my shipmates(co-workers)were taking classes, I decided that wasn’t for me at that time, I do regret that decision. So my major when I was attending school was Medical Administration, but I’ll be honest if I could choose another major I would study law(I’ll discuss why on another blog). But either way nothing happens if I don’t take that first step right? It feels great when you’re getting good grades and turning in your work on time but it absolutely sucks when that black cloud appears and then you go from getting great grades to reading the same paragraph 50 times and it might-as-well be in a foreign language because you can’t even grasp what you’re looking at…….that’s depression. I promise guys I’m going to make that call eventually…..I’m going to be brave! Even if I have to take literally one class at time……I’ll get it done.

3 thoughts on “Scared, insecure……What….the…..FAIL……

  1. I’m 48 and this is my 3rd time trying to get my bachelor’s. I also have Major Depressive Disorder. So I’m going to be blunt… those dark days will come and they will kick you in the ass.
    But the key is to have a good support system set up. For me that was my psychiatrist writing a letter to get me off of acedemic probation when I dropped out from all my classes a month before the end of the semester. I pretty much had a serious depressive episode during each semester but one.

    Of course I’m still beating myself up for my average taking a massive hit, but I have my AAS in Business Management despite it all. I fought harder for this than I’ve fought for anything in my life. It’s like running a marathon with a 90 lb. pack on your back. You’re slower and it’s harder, but damn do you now have the muscle to show for it.

    Every difficulty I get thru makes me realize just how strong I am. Wow, I really wish I’d written all this in my personal essay for my college application.

    Everything you have done, all the choices you’ve made have led you to this moment. This moment is all that matters. You’re ready NOW to go back to school. You know more and have experienced more. That will help you get thru more than you will know. Especially with group projects.
    I wish you the best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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