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Narcissism…..

Narcissism: excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance.

This wasn’t going to be my original write tonight but I just came across an article and thought….why not?. Okay so I really didn’t know anything about narcissism until the last couple of years and didn’t know that’s what my parents are…..who knew! Dealing with a narcissistic parent is difficult like EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. There is constant projection and deflection and always closed ears and a open mouth. Don’t get me wrong I do love both of my parents because obviously without them I wouldn’t be here and neither would my children. But my relationship with my mom is very strained and well me and my father’s relationship is well non-existent. But it took me a long time to realize that both of them are selfish, always have been and always will be. They had me when they were pretty young well my mom was kinda young and my dad was a few years older and they ended things between shortly after I was born. My dad was kind of a flake in the beginning, really couldn’t get himself together before he could make a decent life for himself. My mom on the other hand had the support of my grandma and her two sisters(my aunts) to help her raise me. She was back to work when I was barely a month old and went to school to get her college degree but she also was partying. Now, yes I know that when you have children that your life isn’t over but your priorities do change….somewhat. Now looking back I remember how they used to go at each other constantly and here I was caught in the middle. I had no idea how they used me to get to each other……everything from child support to custody….it was ugly. My mom got married when I was young but it wasn’t long before they were arguing and fighting and once again I was caught in the middle. I think my mom thought that even though she had me and was married that she should still be living a single life. I remember she would leave me at my grandma’s house in the beginning of the week and I wouldn’t see her until mid or sometimes the end of the week(this was when she was separated from her husband) and she would call and I clearly remember asking when she was coming home and she would say “soon”. Soon seemed like forever when you missed your mom and you weren’t sure when she was coming home. My dad on the other hand was just an alcoholic who would sometimes not pick me up for the weekend and I would sit at home and cry and not understand why didn’t he come and get me. And the weekends that he did he was usually pissy drunk and well that was how I learned to just deal…..I was happy even though he was drunk as hell and always kept a 6 pack of Heineken on him no matter what. Reasons why I probably started drinking at the age of 17……your kids are always watching. And my dad was always a ladies man so then I always had to deal with the girlfriend of the week whenever he did come to get me…..there was only one I really didn’t like. And then as time progressed on they both kind of got their act together. My mom worked things out with her husband and my father met a nice woman and they decided to play family….new baby and all. But while my mom was having my little sister and my father had my brother(I didn’t know I was having a baby brother until she was 8 months pregnant), I was the forgotten child. Right before my senior year in high school I was jumped by some neighborhood girls and my once my dad got that phone call he came and packed me up and took me to live in his house. I guess this was my father’s revenge on my mom because he saw it as an opportunity to get child support from my mom after all these years that he was paying her for me. My father took me to meet his new family and I mean they were just like a whole family. His girlfriend’s two daughters were calling my father dad and this lady was about to give birth any day with my baby brother and I had no idea who these people were. Yes, there were feelings of jealously because this was my dad and he had a whole new family that he didn’t even have the decency to tell me about. Anyway my dad still had his bachelor’s pad that he took me to but he would leave me home alone for at least two weeks at a time…..guess he got that from my mom. So as both of them moved on with new babies I would call my grandma and cry and say how alone I felt because my dad was never home and my mom was mad at me because I was living with my dad. That didn’t last long before I moved back with my grandma, finished school and joined the military. My dad was pissed because he didn’t have a good experience in the military and thought I should do other things. Fast-foward many years later and my dad stopped talking shortly after I joined the military. Even after my grandma passed away we still didn’t talk. My grandma was the only real parent I had she always told me that both my parents were selfish and they would always put their own feelings before mine. My mom and I always had a strained relationship, even after leaving home she still tried to control my life. We eventually stopped speaking after she came to visit me and I found her snooping around in my apartment and literally going through my things as if I was still 15 years old living under her roof…..I kicked her out of my house. We didn’t reconnect until after my grandma passed away. Things didn’t get better between me and my parents until I found out I was pregnant with my daughter…..everyone was excited. But I remember having a fight with my ex and watching my mom taking his side and belittling me right in front of him. I also remember a few months after my daughter was born and me rebuilding my relationship with my father and I finally was able to bring my daughter back home to see my family for a weekend trip and I was so excited because my dad would finally meet his granddaughter and he flaked out that weekend and left me a message saying he’s bipolar and he couldn’t have a father-daughter bond with me because of his “sickness” and he blocked my number from his phone. So I felt like that little girl again, both my parents back to their bullshit and me just having to deal with it but this time I was a mom and my grandma was gone. As things got progressively worse between me and my ex I watched as my mom constantly took his side in every situation and flat out didn’t believe me…….my ex is as a biggest liar and deceitful cheater as they come…..lemme tell you. And then I watched the situation unravel between me and my mom. My mom was trying to paint me as herself and she did a lot of projection on me and my parenting. No, as with any parent we learn as we go but the mistake I was making was letting my mom over step her boundaries constantly and now I am dealing with my oldest child who views my mom as her mom and doesn’t feel she has to respect me…….my mother’s narcissist claws have dug deep into my oldest child and I’m still fighting that battle daily. I’m sorry this story goes on for a while longer but I’m getting sleepy and have to finish writing another time. How do you deal with selfishness and narcissism? We are all a little selfish and narcissistic but sometimes some more than others…..

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